Permanently Stupid

CD30

So I've made it to cycle day 30 without a drop in temperatures and without testing!  I would say both of those make this a success.  I honestly was thinking of testing yesterday or today (which would have been 11 and 12 days post IUI) but I reminded myself that usually this is not a good idea, especially when you are attending a lot of events with babies and pregnant people!  A BFN would not do you well!  

Yesterday my extended family got together to celebrate the September birthdays.  My cousin was there who is due in 2 weeks and I got to feel her baby moving - which was really neat because I hadn't done that before. As you can imagine there was a lot of talk about babies.  Later my other cousin showed up when we were about to leave.  It probably would have been better in DH and I stayed longer to chat with her, but honestly I just couldn't handle another round of pregnancy questions from the whole family (how are you feeling, when do you have another dr's appointment, are you showing yet, etc)
At these events the below saying sums up my thoughts:

Yup, keep it in check Caity.  I hope this cycle works just so I don't have to feel this way anymore.  I hate feeling sad, envious, angry around people I love at a time when I should feel nothing but happiness for them.  I hate the person IF has made me become.  The best I can do is to keep it all inside.

We are all getting together again today to celebrate my niece's 1st birthday.  I spent 1.5 hours yesterday assembling her gift:

 That is Winnie next to it inspecting my work.  Thank goodness there was an online video to walk me through assembly, as I am terrible with that type of thing and who knew kids toys were so complicated to put together?!

I am thinking I am going to test tomorrow morning. I need to ease myself into thinking that this cycle didn't work before we get to the actual blood test on Tuesday... my mind needs time to process this and build up some walls.  

Temps still up

CD27

I get excited every morning when my temps are still high.  Right now they are in the high 97’s which is pretty high for me since I am normally in the 96’s.  I hope they stay up for a LONG time.  I still had some cramping last night on my right side and in the middle.  Phantom symptoms or period symptoms most likely. 

If find it a bit frustrating that I don’t know when and if the red she devil will show up.  My shortest cycle (since I started having them) was 35 days, so I doubt I will get it before then.  I am hoping I will get it on my own this month (if I do get a BFN) because taking the progesterone for 12 days then waiting 2 more puts me at a 50 day cycle which is WAY too long!

The urge to POS is still there…I am sort of thinking about testing Saturday or Sunday…just to see what is going on.  Will probably be stark white, but maybe then I can start to prepare myself for the blood test on Tuesday…only 6 more days!

Are cramps good or bad at this point?

CD26

As the title to the post implies, I am still having some cramps in my mid section.  Mostly on my right side but I had some in the middle as well.  Not sure if these are pre period cramps, cramps left over from drugs or something else going on in there.  Don’t want to speculate too much, but how often does that really work?

The good news is that my temps are still up on FF which gives me continued hope that I O’d this cycle.  Not sure if FF is correct on the specific day of O, my trigger was on the 16^th, IUI was on the 18^th and it puts my O on the 19^th (3 year anniversary!) but I think either way the timing was still good.  So I am currently either 7 or 8 days past ovulation.  I am having a tough time believing that I ovulated, because I have no other cycles where we have been able to confirm it. 

I am also getting the urge to test.  I have no idea why since at 10 days past trigger there is a real possibility the trigger is still there and at 8 days past IUI it is too early to get a positive.  I guess I just want to see if the trigger is still there, but testing always makes me more emotional than I think it will – even if I set myself up by saying “if you get a positive it is the trigger and if you get a negative it is too early” so exactly what am I hoping to see?  I think I may end up testing on Sunday – it will be 14 days past trigger so that should be out of my system, and 12 days past IUI so possibly could get results.  Although I know I shouldn’t test that day because it is my niece’s 1^st birthday party and my 2 pregnant cousins will be there, so if I get a negative I will be in a pissy mood.  Maybe I will only test if I have any “symptoms” like sore boobs or my temps are still high….