What do I stand for?

CD33

So the title of this post is based on a currently popular song by Fun.  During the chorus they sing “What do I stand for?  Most nights I don’t know.”  This bit of the song rings true for me when I hear it because it makes me think about how I want to approach my view on our infertility struggles. 

Lately I have been feeling like a cloud has been hovering over my head and I can’t break free from the gloom of it all.  I had similar feelings about 4 years ago during the time that my dad was sick with cancer and the gloom continued once he passed.  It was like I couldn’t break free from feeling down all the time, which is a terrible way to go through your days because I am normally a very positive person. 

Each day and practically each hour I go back and forth between “why is this happening to me when so many others just have sex and then POOF baby! Haven’t I been through enough already?” and “you are so fortunate in many aspects of your life: husband, family, financially, job, and your IF is covered by insurance so really you don’t have it half as bad as most people.”

That is when I come back to the song “what do I stand for?”  I will tell you what I want to stand for.  I don’t want IF to squeeze out all of the joy in my life.  I don’t want to go through days with a sour puss on my face, turning my head down and wincing at every baby post on facebook.  I want to find joy in the success that other people have in bringing babies into this world and not thinking about our struggles.  And above all when this IF struggle is over and we are expecting a baby (or 2), I want people to think “wow Caity went through all that bloodwork, ultrasounds, medications, injections, heartache, etc with grace, she struggled for sure but she was strong.”

So let’s keep working on that.  And because I have enjoyed the additional people viewing my blog I will give you a bonus picture of my dog Winnie on her first birthday!