Checking in

CD5

My favorite thing about my morning is coming in sitting down at my computer and checking on my fellow IF bloggers!  I love that some of these blogs have turned over from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs and I hope all of us are soon to follow. 

I am Clomiding away over here – got my first hot flash last night and stripped the covers off while I let the sweat dry and my body cool down – kind of gross.  I am sure the fun will continue on my friend’s bachelorette weekend that starts TONIGHT.  I am seriously so excited to spend some serious girl time (also it helps that nobody going has children or is pregnant (actually I hope this is true, I don’t know 1 of the girls). 

The house we rented looks nice and spacious and if I play my cards right I may get my own bed J.  I made Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes for the weekend and brought a few in for my coworkers to try and they got rave reviews!  I found the recipe on pinterest. 

hing about my morning is coming in sitting down at my computer and checking on my fellow IF bloggers!  I love that some of these blogs have turned over from IF blogs to pregnancy blogs and I hope all of us are soon to follow. 

I am Clomiding away over here – got my first hot flash last night and stripped the covers off while I let the sweat dry and my body cool down – kind of gross.  I am sure the fun will continue on my friend’s bachelorette weekend that starts TONIGHT.  I am seriously so excited to spend some serious girl time (also it helps that nobody going has children or is pregnant (actually I hope this is true, I don’t know 1 of the girls). 

The house we rented looks nice and spacious and if I play my cards right I may get my own bed J.  I made Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes for the weekend and brought a few in for my coworkers to try and they got rave reviews!  I found the recipe on pinterest.  

Trying not to get too excited

CD3

Yup so it turned out to be the red she devil!  She arrived 22 days after my last one began – crazy bitch!  Let me lay out some reasons why this is awesome, but I am trying to not get too excited:

•         She devil showed up after my traveling for work
•       She came after we came home from the IL’s so there was no CD3 scheduling worries
•        She avoided coming during my bachelorette party taking place on an island this weekend and should be gone by the trip time
•       If the Clomid works and I can go through with IUI #3 and the timing is similar to the last couple cycles then we would find out the results right around Christmas day or a few days before (which could be a very good thing or a very bad thing!)

Miraculously the two cysts (28.5mm on right and 32mm on left) have disappeared since my CD3 u/s last month that only happened like 20 days ago.  The nurse said that I have about 15 small follicles on both sides of my ovaries – hopefully just ready to start growing. 

Honestly the only downfall that I see is that I will be knee deep in Clomid in a house with a bunch of bachelorette ladies on an island for the weekend – good luck to them!

Ok I hope you aren’t getting too excited because as of yet an IUI + Clomid + trigger has not actually worked for us before.  But if it works this month then I must say this would be the best Christmas present I have ever received! 

Burst Cyst or AF?

CD23

The night before Thanksgiving we went over to my friend's parents house and hung out in their basement (a la high school style).  It was funny hanging out with high school friends in our old high school hang out spot that hasn't changed in the past 10 + years.  My friend from out of state was there with her husband.  She is 4.5 months pregnant and this is the first time friends have seen her since she announced they were expecting.  There was a lot of cooing over her and all the baby talk - which wasn't too tough to take, but at some points I had to exit the conversation or try to change the subject a bit. 

We had a very nice Thanksgiving which started out with running in the local road race in the morning then heading over to my brother and SIL's house for dinner.  The next day we drove down to DH's friend's place which was about a 5 hour drive.  We spent some time with friends and then spent the next night with his family.  His motherly previously thought I was pregnant on her visit up here about a month ago (I wasn't drinking at dinner because we were in the 2 ww).  I think my drinking coffee at brunch, talking about our ski vacation we just booked, and of course me drinking a couple glasses of wine at dinner clued her in that we are not expecting!  Nobody brought it up so that made me feel better.  

During the night last night I woke up and felt a sharp pain on my right side.  When I went to the bathroom I saw red/brownish blood when I wiped.  I figured one (or both) of my cysts had burst.  Then today the bleeding has continued and I am starting to wonder if this is the red she devil and not a burst cyst after all.  CD23 would be crazy short for me to get the she devil...but I guess when cysts are involved there is a chance they could burst and shorten your cycle.  

I called my RE and the nurse said that if the bleeding continues into tomorrow then it may in fact be she devil and I should come in for CD3 baseline u/s.  Of course I have already looked at the calendar to see that if it is CD1 for me then our IUI #3 would be mid december and I would find out the results right around Christmas, which could make for a very happy Christmas or a pretty sad one!

Next few days may be tough

CD19

So I was really hoping my temp would go up this morning since I have been having some EWCM, but no go - still low at 96.8.  I usually end up yelling at my thermometer in the morning and claim it "doesn't work" but it is much more likely that I just haven't O'd this month. 

So as the title of this post indicates - there are some things I am not looking forward to over the next few days:

• Gathering at my friend's place tonight where 2 of my pregnant friends may be.  I haven't seen either of them since they announced they were pregnant so I am sure there will be a lot of cooing over them. 
• Going to IL's in PA.  MIL thinks I am pregnant because I didn't drink any wine last time they were up...should be interesting when I start downing wine!  I really really hope she doesn't say anything. 

Ovulating on my own?

CD17

Well the answer to the question above is: most likely not, but there is a chance.  Yesterday was CD16 and I actually noticed egg white CM in the morning plus had some twinging down in my right ovary area.  I know it is a bit naïve to think that I might actually ovulate on my own this cycle, but I suppose having down 2 months of consecutive Clomid 150 mg that there may be some residual meds in my system that are growing follicles (in addition to some nice cysts of course).  So I will keep temping and we will wait and see but I am not being very optimistic for this cycle – just praying next cycle starts promptly!

So this weekend we celebrated by grandfather’s 90^th birthday!  My grandfather is awesome and so with it for a 90 year old man.  I can’t believe it when he tells me a story and says that it happened 60 years ago – hard to imagine being alive for that long!

 To be honest with you I was dreading the party a little bit.  My cousin gave birth about 3 weeks ago and my other cousin is about 5 ½ months pregnant.  It was nice to see and hold the baby and that wasn’t really a problem for me.  The thing that made me sad was when my cousins were talking about being pregnant.  I was sad to not be able to join in the conversation – I sort of felt like a sad infertile person who had to sit in the corner while fertile people got to talk about how terrible their hormones were and how they were craving this and that.  I know they don’t know that this conversation hurt me – they don’t even know we are dealing with IF –but it just made me want to crawl into a hole and cry. 

I am still debating whether I should let my extended family know what we are dealing with.  We are so close that it just feels weird when they ask “how are you doing” and I just answer “good, good” when that is far from the truth.  Honestly my main reason for not saying anything is that I don’t want people to act differently around me.  I don’t want pity, I don’t want people not to talk about their own babies or pregnancies and I definitely don’t want any “just relax” type comments.  But sometimes I think that a few more prayers or some more support might help.  Also – if we do have to do IVF and I do tell the family – then they would know the timing most likely and if we did end up with a BFP people would probably know before we are ready to tell people.  So all in all I think keeping it to ourselves seems like the best decision – for now at least. 

Also - side note - i am so loving the 'secret' pinterest boards!  These are boards that people don't see what you pin - so of course i promptly set up my secret IF board and a secret baby board!

 

It is easy to lose track

CD13

I had to look up on fertility friend to see what cycle day this is for me.  It is so funny how things change when you aren't cycling!  This time last month I would be triggering tonight.   

I can't say the break has been the worst thing.  I had a work trip to California that would have been stressful if I had to worry about meds and timing.  I have very low expectations of ovulating on my own this month (or getting the red she devil timely for that matter).  Just please no 50 day cycle!  

I was talking with my coworker who went to California with me (she is 39 and has a 3 year old) on the drive to work in the morning.  We were talking about her kid and she asked if I want to have kids.  I said yes and she mentioned something about it took her a while to conceive her first and had trouble with miscarriages.  I told her that we are having trouble in that area too (IF not miscarriages) and we talked about it a little.  She said I could always come to her if I ever needed to talk about it, which was very sweet of her considering we don't have a super close relationship.  So I guess at least 1 person at work knows, but I really don't see her telling others about this. 

Might not be posting as much this month

CD6

As my title says - i probably won't be posting nearly as often this month due to being on a break.  There really just won't be much IF related things to talk about since i won't be monitored all the time! 

 At first when I got the news we were benched it hit me hard. Now I am sort of ok with it - it is nice not to have to worry about how my follicles are doing, whether I ovulated, whether we had good timing, etc.  Don't get me wrong, I don't like how we don't really have a shot at getting pregnant this month, but I am not as disappointed as I thought I would be. 

Benched.

CD3

Well the good news is that I don’t have to worry about drinking or RE appointments conflicting with the timing of my friend’s bachelorette party at the end of the month.

The bad news is that is because I have to sit this cycle out due to 2 cysts on both sides of my ovaries.  I think the nurse said one was 28 mm and one was 32 mm.  Bonus is that they will burst at some point and it may hurt a lot. 

I really don’t want to do another sob fest at work so I am really trying to hold it in this time, but this really fucking sucks.  I don’t usually swear but this time it is warranted.  The thought of taking this month off kills me because I already feel so behind.  Plus I don’t even know how long my cycle will be – so I may have to wait another 50 days to start again!  ARGH I HATE INFERTILITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just got back from a meeting with my department head which makes things slightly better.  He said a bunch of people are going to California next week because we just acquired a company out there and he wants me to go.  This would have been right in the middle of my mid cycle ultrasound if I had been able to cycle this month – so that would have been tricky.  Would I rather cycle this month than go to California? Yes.  But this news makes me slightly less pissed off.