What a Rollercoaster

CD33

So yesterday and this morning have been pretty emotional. 

Yesterday I was CD32, 13dpo according to FF and hadn't really had any indication that the red she devil was on her way.  So yesterday morning I woke up at 5:30 am peed, went back to bed.  Then got up at 6 am and figured I would test with a wondfo.  I peed, dipped, looked at it after about a minute and left for a run with my dog.  I didn’t put too much stock in seeing a positive because this month we were benched.  I got back from the run and checked out the test, and to my surprise there were 2 lines.  I didn’t even have to squint to see the second line.  I blinked a few times looking at the test, said “no freakin way.” DH had already gone to work so I couldn’t have him check.

I knew that I was reading the test after the allotted time limit (it had been at least 40 min) so I didn’t put much stock into the test.  I took a picture of it and got ready for work.  Then all through the day at work I would look at the picture and say to myself “that is a real positive.” 

When I got home from work I raced upstairs and took a FRER test, after the 3 minutes there were 2 distinct lines.  Then I took a blue dye test, the line was very light, but it was there.  Now I am like “wow I am actually pregnant, this is crazy.” 

So I get out the tiny baby sneakers I had been hiding away in preparation for telling DH.  When he comes home I play it cool, “oh how was your day blah blah blah.”  I tell him that I ended up taking a pregnancy test today, actually I took 3 and they were all positive and then I showed him the shoes.  He screamed and hugged me.  It was great. 

We were both pretty guarded at first about talking about it because it is tough to get excited when you know it can be taken away so easily.  As we were eating dinner we chatted about painting our spare bedroom and when the baby would be here, etc.  I told him I would test again tomorrow and call the RE office to go in for a blood test.

Now is when things start to get a little rocky…

I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning, nervous, excited, etc.  I wake up at 2am and pee because I can’t hold it in.  When I wake up at 6 am I pee again and use this to take another FRER test.  I stare at it during the 3 min wait, thinking “shouldn’t the second line be there by now?” eventually a second line showed up, but wait, it seems a little lighter than yesterday’s FRER, and I took yesterday’s FRER at like 6pm so shouldn’t todays with FMU be darker?  Cue freak out sadness moment, tears start to fall.  My thoughts  go between getting mad at myself for thinking this would be a viable pregnancy and thoughts of “hey maybe it is still ok.” 

I left a voicemail for my RE’s nurse about my news and said that I wanted to come in for bloodwork today if possible.  She called me back at work and I missed the call.  She said she wanted me to come in on Monday for the blood test.  Monday? Are you kidding me?  So I call her back and leave a message that is basically like “are you sure you don’t want me to test today?  Don’t I need to know if I should take progesterone, etc?’  She calls me back and I get the call, she is like “ok why don’t you take progesterone tonight and tomorrow, etc” I know I kinda missed the deadline to get the blood work results today (they need to be done by 9:30 am for the lab, but I don’t understand why I couldn’t come in tomorrow for it.  I wish I had pushed the nurse more, but I was happy that I at least won the progesterone battle.  I know she didn’t want me to come in tomorrow because it is a holiday weekend and would mean more work for them. 

I called DH and told him – he was pissed they didn’t have me come in today or even tomorrow.  I told him that if I get tested today or Monday, as long as I am taking the progesterone there really isn’t much more we can do to help this pregnancy.  I am sitting at work, pretty upset because I am starting to feel a bit crampy.  In my heart I don’t believe this is going to work out and to go from the high of last night with planning things to thinking we are back to the drawing board just plain sucks.  Last night I thought this weekend and Easter with my family would be easy to get through and now I am thinking it will be harder than ever.

The one thing I am thankful for is that for the first time ever I had an egg that was fertilized by DH’s sperm and actually implanted (or started to) in my uterus.  We have never gotten that far before.  I am definitely going to push my RE to do injects only for IUI #6 because now I am pretty positive that the clomid thinning my lining is part of the reason why we haven’t had success yet. 

I will keep on testing over the weekend on my own and hope I continue to at least see lines.  I can’t believe I have to wait until Monday for a beta. 

The Talk

CD32

So last night I met up with my two cousins for dinner.  I knew I was going to spill the beans on our IF, but I wasn’t sure how to work it into the conversation.  We caught up with each other first and talked about Easter coming up and other things.  After our dinners had come and there was a lull in the conversation I said “well since April is coming up and National Infertility Awareness week is in April, I wanted to let you guys know about what DH and I have been going through.”  At this point I, of course, started to tear up and cry, but I muscled through and just kind of blurted the rest out.

They told me that had a feeling something was up with us, but didn’t want to pry.  They asked me questions about treatment and really didn’t say anything bad, so I was very happy about that.  One said that she wished she had known, because she was nervous she had said stupid stuff during her pregnancy, etc. but I told her I didn’t want our issues to affect how they talked about their pregnancies and their babies (and I hope them knowing now won’t change things either). 

The only thing that was said that rubbed me the wrong way was when my cousin told me to “enjoy this time now”  I get what she means, she has a 5 month old and life is pretty crazy, but it is hard for me to “enjoy this time” when I don’t know when we will get pregnant.   Although she also told me that I was “brave” so it sort of made up for that comment.

After I got home I thought of a good analogy for how I feel.  It is as if DH and I are standing on a train platform, our bags are packed, we have our tickets, but the trains just keep passing us by.  The trains have our friends and family members on them, they are chatting and laughing and we are just there waiting.  There are other couples on the platform too, but they are far away from us and in the shadows. 

I do feel somewhat of a sense of relief having told them what’s up…now we just have to see how it goes from here!

A Bit Nervous

CD31

So over a week ago my cousin who just had her first baby about 20 days ago texted me to see if I could do dinner with her and my other cousin for tonight.  I figured maybe this would get bumped out to a different date or cancelled because they both have small babies and who knows what will come up. Well this morning she texted me to see what restaurant we should go to.  Honestly I am a bit nervous about this encounter.  I told myself that it would be a good opportunity to clue them in on our IF.  I am really close to them both, but didn’t tell them because they were both pregnant during most of our IF trouble.

It’s just now that the day is here I don’t know how I am going to bring it up.  When they say “how are you” should I just blurt it out?  Or should I say something like “well since April is almost here and it is infertility awareness week (or is it month?) I wanted to make you aware of our infertility.”  I am just scared I am going to start weeping in front of them.  I am also nervous that their responses won’t be “right” you know sayings “oh it will happen, just relax” or “God’s plan, blah blah blah”  What I really want them to say is “wow that really sucks, I can’t believe you had to watch our whole pregnancies and having our babies be born while dealing with all of this.” 

I will update with a post tomorrow on how it goes.  Wish me luck ladies!

So Sick

CD30

When the in-laws were up this weekend we cooked steaks on Saturday night. Later that night DH got up in the middle of the night and threw up, then got up a couple of hours later and had to throw up again.  The next day he was pretty miserable and he is still feeling pretty terrible today.  

Yesterday, not thinking, I put some of the leftover steak in my sandwich at lunch.  A couple hours later I was nauseous and threw up a bit at work, then I went home and had to pull over to throw up and then threw up again when I got home.  I was in pretty rough shape.  Last night I threw up ever 1/2 hour for like 3-4 hours, I couldn't even keep down water!  I was in the fetal position in our bathroom for half the night. 

So today I am home from work and will hopefully start feeling better soon.  DH is out at the doctors and I gave him a list of things to pick up:
Popsicles
Ginger ale
Gatorade

I am hoping to sooth my throat a bit with those popsicles and get some calories in me since I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.  Gosh I sure hope this isn't what morning sickness is like!

CD28

So fertility friend says I am 9dpo, still don't believe that one.  I am usually pretty crampy by CD28, so I am a bit nervous that the red she devil is going to show up late this month which is no fun because:

1) it gives me hope that I am pregnant (when I am most likely not)
and
2) it delays me from starting my next cycle.  

The in-laws were up this weekend and things went pretty well.  They did not bring up IF at all which was nice, because who wants to discuss reproduction with their in-laws?  I got a little nervous at dinner one night when MIL kept telling us stories that "were secrets so don't tell anyone" umm ok if that is how she is with other people's secrets then what makes us think she won't talk about our IF.  It is not that we don't want other people to know about it, but we would rather it come from us so we get the correct story across.  I hate the idea of her telling neighbors about it behind our back.  

Other than that the visit went well.  We had some nice dinners and took them into Boston for lunch and to show them DH's office.  They brought their dog which is the same age as Winnie (although maybe 1/4 her size) and by the time they left this morning Winnie was exhausted:

 

The next 2 weeks will be pretty busy for me at work, and I am thankful for that.  I hope they go by quickly so by the time I blink it will be time to get medicated for IUI #6!  I will be glad when that is in the books and we can start to think of starting IVF.  It is pretty sad I have NO confidence in this last IUI round, but heck if I don't get my hopes up and we get a BFP it will be an exciting surprise.  

There have been a lot of BFP's and surprise BFP's on the Bump boards lately, and it is really nice to see, I sure hope this trend continues! 

This picture is random, but so true:

Rolling Along

CD25

So according to fertility friend I ovulated on CD19, but I don't actually put much stock into that mostly because the temp shift hasn't been too great and my temp hasn't been elevated for too long.  Not sure how good our timing was if I actually did ovulate - looks like we hit 0-2 that that isn't too terrible. 

Other than that, not much to report.  My cousin who just had the baby wants to go out to dinner with me and my other cousin (who has a 4 month old).  They aren't bringing the babies and I figured this would be a good time to tell them both about our IF struggles.  I sort of hinted to my cousin that I "had some stuff I could talk to them about" but she probably thinks I am pregnant and want to ask them pregnancy/baby questions.  I am wondering how to ease this into the conversation.  I might just blurt it out when they ask "how have you been" or "what's new with you."  I just hope I can hold it together.  Telling two new moms about our IF struggle may not be as smooth a conversation as I hope, but as long as they are supportive and don't brush off our struggle then I will be happy. 

In other news the in-laws are coming up for a visit this weekend.  This is the first time we will see them since DH told them about our IF a couple of weeks ago.  I don't think it will be a main topic of conversation unless we bring it up, but it is sort of like a white elephant in the room.  

Ugh another snow storm

CD23

Just this weekend we some some flowers starting to pop up in the backyard then today BAM snowstorm.  We probably have about 7 inches and it is still snowing a bit.  We were just down to some small patches of snow and now the place is covered again.  Hopefully it will warm up the rest of the week and get it out of here quick!

So in IF news we are on cycle day 23.  No sign of ovulation, but I wasn't really expecting anything.






I am just starting to feel some slight cramps so maybe that means I won't have to wait too long for the red she devil to show up.  Last cycle I was benched with cysts I got the she devil after only 22 days.  I sure would like to start a new cycle soon - this waiting thing sucks.

In other news we celebrated St. Patricks day over at my aunt and uncles house on Sunday.  We had boiled dinner: corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, carrots and it was tasty!  This was the first time that we got together with my cousin's new baby.  I was sort of dreading the idea of being the only married couple there without kids, but it wasn't that bad.  I mostly played with my niece and the other babies and tried to walk away when the moms started talking mom talk.

I think that if I were on meds this month it would have been harder to deal with, but luckily I feel so much more "me" this month.  I didn't realize how crazy the drugs had been making me until I had a month without them.  I am sure DH likes the change, I don't think I have freaked out on him once!