********Please don't read if you are having a bad IF day because you will probably end up hating me*********
I am lucky, so very lucky. I have a healthy 10 month old daughter. So why do those terrible feelings come rushing back in when I see that a friend is posting something on a mama's facebook page about possible implantation bleeding?
I can recognize that my feelings are completely ridiculous. This friend has a 15 month old son and her and her husband must be trying for a sibling. Why should that make my heart skip a beat (and not in a good way). I should be happy for her and happy for me that I already have a child.
Instead I feel those old feelings of "why her and not me" creeping back in. Why are my emotions like that of a spoiled child? Many of my blog friends would kill to have 1 child and here I am getting huffy over friends trying for a second.
I think deep down the feelings are driven by the fact that I am fearful of having to go back to IF treatments when we try for another child. I am jealous of others who get to jump back in bed to try for a sibling and not set up RE appointments.
I just had to write down my feelings here to release them from my brain. I apologize for anyone reading my blog that thinks I am a brat.
The end.
I think this sort of just helps me to realize that even though many of my bloggers friends beat IF, there will come a time when they may want to try for more kids and then those very same feelings will still come back. I think it just means that you never really beat it per say. I'm sure this is a very normal thing after all that you went through, it can't help but creep back in.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amie. I think you are right. IF is something that will always be with us
DeleteI do not think you are a brat. I think all of those feelings are completely natural after going through IF. It leaves scars! I'm so glad you have Ellie in your arms but it doesn't mean that everything it took to get her isn't still affecting you, and unfortunately, it also doesn't mean you won't have to go back through IF treatments if you want to have another someday. I really hope that won't be the case for you though. IF just sucks all the time. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks Chickie. It is hard to get away from the IF feelings.
DeleteI agree with Chickin. It leaves scars!!! This is a journey, and it is never over. We go through these difficult experiences and they follow us through life, no matter where we are at. I always have these same thoughts go through my head, and while I don't like them, I calm myself by telling myself that I'm allowed to feel whatever I want - and so are you. Lots of hugs to you!
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