What a Rollercoaster

CD33

So yesterday and this morning have been pretty emotional. 

Yesterday I was CD32, 13dpo according to FF and hadn't really had any indication that the red she devil was on her way.  So yesterday morning I woke up at 5:30 am peed, went back to bed.  Then got up at 6 am and figured I would test with a wondfo.  I peed, dipped, looked at it after about a minute and left for a run with my dog.  I didn’t put too much stock in seeing a positive because this month we were benched.  I got back from the run and checked out the test, and to my surprise there were 2 lines.  I didn’t even have to squint to see the second line.  I blinked a few times looking at the test, said “no freakin way.” DH had already gone to work so I couldn’t have him check.

I knew that I was reading the test after the allotted time limit (it had been at least 40 min) so I didn’t put much stock into the test.  I took a picture of it and got ready for work.  Then all through the day at work I would look at the picture and say to myself “that is a real positive.” 

When I got home from work I raced upstairs and took a FRER test, after the 3 minutes there were 2 distinct lines.  Then I took a blue dye test, the line was very light, but it was there.  Now I am like “wow I am actually pregnant, this is crazy.” 

So I get out the tiny baby sneakers I had been hiding away in preparation for telling DH.  When he comes home I play it cool, “oh how was your day blah blah blah.”  I tell him that I ended up taking a pregnancy test today, actually I took 3 and they were all positive and then I showed him the shoes.  He screamed and hugged me.  It was great. 

We were both pretty guarded at first about talking about it because it is tough to get excited when you know it can be taken away so easily.  As we were eating dinner we chatted about painting our spare bedroom and when the baby would be here, etc.  I told him I would test again tomorrow and call the RE office to go in for a blood test.

Now is when things start to get a little rocky…

I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning, nervous, excited, etc.  I wake up at 2am and pee because I can’t hold it in.  When I wake up at 6 am I pee again and use this to take another FRER test.  I stare at it during the 3 min wait, thinking “shouldn’t the second line be there by now?” eventually a second line showed up, but wait, it seems a little lighter than yesterday’s FRER, and I took yesterday’s FRER at like 6pm so shouldn’t todays with FMU be darker?  Cue freak out sadness moment, tears start to fall.  My thoughts  go between getting mad at myself for thinking this would be a viable pregnancy and thoughts of “hey maybe it is still ok.” 

I left a voicemail for my RE’s nurse about my news and said that I wanted to come in for bloodwork today if possible.  She called me back at work and I missed the call.  She said she wanted me to come in on Monday for the blood test.  Monday? Are you kidding me?  So I call her back and leave a message that is basically like “are you sure you don’t want me to test today?  Don’t I need to know if I should take progesterone, etc?’  She calls me back and I get the call, she is like “ok why don’t you take progesterone tonight and tomorrow, etc” I know I kinda missed the deadline to get the blood work results today (they need to be done by 9:30 am for the lab, but I don’t understand why I couldn’t come in tomorrow for it.  I wish I had pushed the nurse more, but I was happy that I at least won the progesterone battle.  I know she didn’t want me to come in tomorrow because it is a holiday weekend and would mean more work for them. 

I called DH and told him – he was pissed they didn’t have me come in today or even tomorrow.  I told him that if I get tested today or Monday, as long as I am taking the progesterone there really isn’t much more we can do to help this pregnancy.  I am sitting at work, pretty upset because I am starting to feel a bit crampy.  In my heart I don’t believe this is going to work out and to go from the high of last night with planning things to thinking we are back to the drawing board just plain sucks.  Last night I thought this weekend and Easter with my family would be easy to get through and now I am thinking it will be harder than ever.

The one thing I am thankful for is that for the first time ever I had an egg that was fertilized by DH’s sperm and actually implanted (or started to) in my uterus.  We have never gotten that far before.  I am definitely going to push my RE to do injects only for IUI #6 because now I am pretty positive that the clomid thinning my lining is part of the reason why we haven’t had success yet. 

I will keep on testing over the weekend on my own and hope I continue to at least see lines.  I can’t believe I have to wait until Monday for a beta.